Poems of Love
Hi! How’s it going?
As you might have guessed from the title and the lovely comic above from the New Yorker… for this month’s blog, I’m paying homage to my time to NYC (the half year mark, cheers!) and a belated homage to Valentines (the day of love). See what I did there? A cartoon about love from the New Yorker, the symbolism! Cecilia!
The sentimental in me, loves symbolism and finding significance in the seemingly mundane because why the heck not? Life is so much more lively and I find it opens up much more. Like a sort of ranunculus flower that blossoms and changes in shades of colour over time. The best surprise! And it never fails to bring a smile to my face. I’ve found that some of the key accomplishments and growth during my time here in NYC is intricately tied to this concept of love so I’m excited to trace through this past month with you and share some of my reflective moments.
So today, I’m writing a post about the love I have for the world around me and the world within me.
Let’s start with my homage to NYC!
New York, the greatest place on earth? Hmmm…from the rats running through mazes of garbage bags pilled on the streets to the incessant honking, I must admit it’s part of the appeal. ha. We can’t have it all. It’s the stench and the crazy hecticness that must make life fair. Otherwise, if it was perfect than it would be too good to be true. I mean having coffee with cake makes both the coffee and cake so much better. Don’t you agree? I feel like actual New Yorkers would not. I think they’d either drink their coffee black or grab the cake and go. (Also that wasn’t the best metaphor, because I do think it could imply a various amount of things but c’est la vie, to each their own).
I love this place that I’m starting to call home. Don’t get me wrong, there’s many things I wouldn’t say I love including the near heart attacks from random blobs scurrying when I’m on my way home in the evening. It’s also very clear the inequality and social inequities that exist. The terrible tragedies that have also happened as of late. So I don’t want to minimize the problems of NYC or over-glamorize it. Because let me be honest, all those instagram worthy things that you see about NYC, yes to some extent there is an allure but also no joke, I went to a spot that was #instaworthy and was heavily disappointed. I find all the best moments here are indeed also photographed and talked about throughout history but also not. It’s about that feeling within you I find. It’s really about perspective and how you choose to see it. Like that feeling of just walking aimlessly in a neighbourhood with a friend. History has happened there and continues to happen but it’s more about that moment and how you choose to interpret experience. Or take the iconic empire state building and other famous building skylines when around madison square park, it’s so cool and beautiful. But also what I like the most is just sitting on a bench there and listening to the musicians play and the loved ones gathering together. There’s that mixture of noise, where laughter and conversation become indecipherable. There have been so many moments from watching the golden sunlight cast itself very brightfully on an almost frozen Hudson River or the Canadian geese tucked into sleep at the Kennedy resevoir. I know my subway line with such ease now. I know which tracks are express/ local and how to connect almost seamlessly between subway lines. It’s moments like these that make me feel so blended into the city. I love the energy and I love the arts. I just fall in love with the city more in more. As I sit to watch an opera, broadway, or ballet, I think about how many thousands of people are enjoying this majesty with me. Or the fact, that across this stretch of land how many others are laughing so hard at a comedy show, or performing slam poetry, or a bajillion other things. While this also happens across the world, I think that in such a small dense piece of land, the mix of talents, joy, and opportunity are seemingly unparalleled? And so I think often of what brings all these people here into this place? A place of writers, artists, workers, etcetera… dreamers…?
I don’t know where I’ll be and that’s okay. While I would love to be here a bit longer, I also know that isn’t completely my decision to make.
Next, on the personal reflection of self-love, I’m going to provide some context by starting it off with some relevant quotes that have inspired me as of late:
Sonnet 18 Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate…
* I was fortunate to come across this gem of an edition while browsing Shakespeare and Co with Clara on our 3 year friendship anniversary of meeting on exchange in Paris! Of course, there’s the iconic Shakespeare and Co in Paris too, so what are the chances that we stumbled across this on the UWS after brunch. Oh serendipity! Oh Shakespeare!
*Three photos of Clara and I! First was in 2019 at Versailles. The second and third are in 2022 in NYC.
Celebrating my 23rd galentines! Friendship! Also, how dare you autocorrect, trying to convert galentines to valentines, not acceptable :P In all seriousness, there’s this lovely piece on friendships by Jennifer Senior for the Atlantic and here are some of the quotes that stood out to me (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just have to be about romantic relationships but all the other just as important relationships in our lives including the one’s we have with our friends, our family, and the one we have with ourselves):
“What makes friendship so fragile is also exactly what makes it so special. You have to continually opt in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.”
“the third thing that came from the two of us. the alchemy of our minds and hearts and (dare i say?) souls in conversation. what she brought out in me and what i brought out in her, and how those things don’t exist without our relationship.”
“Philip made me feel that my best self was my real self,” he finally said. “I think that’s what happens when friendships succeed. The person is giving back to you the feelings you wish you could give to yourself. And seeing the person you wish to be in the world.”
All that’s to say, is I’m so happy to cross paths with the loveliest of people in my life. Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time in their presence and basking in the warmth of friendship. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the pain that comes from friendships that have subsided over time. Much like the gradual receding of the shoreline, waves that used to be so routine and commonplace in one’s life, slowly dissipating and no longer as close or clear. The salty air and misty presence are still there but not as strong. I have a lot to still figure out, especially in the wake of a friend tragically passing two weeks ago. I feel as if a lot of words are brought to a standstill and all I can do is to refer to others that have come before and have said it better:
"Soon we shall die and the memory of those will have left the earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for awhile and forgotten. But the love will have been enough, all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning." - Thornton Wilder
My friend was someone I didn’t get a chance to know for very long. They were a lover of life and truly, epitomized what it was like to live life to its fullest. I will always honour them by caring for this beautiful world around me and experiencing its many hills and valleys.
I miss you so much and I still can’t believe you’re gone. You were taken way too soon. But I fully believe that in the waves of the Hudson River as I take my weekly walks, the ducks swimming at the Kennedy resevoir, or the zephyrs around Vancouver, your presence is still beating vibrantly in this world you loved so dearly.
Perhaps, the most significant change I’ve been feeling since last month is more groundedness. You might recall my hectic frenzy of a blog in January! I was feeling super overwhelmed and honestly, anxious about where I would be with impending graduation on the horizon and no concrete plans in sight. A typical Type A who thrives on control, I was saying I’m fine and this year my resolution is leaning into the uncertainty but in reality, I was quivering. Ahhh! However, luckily with a lot of meditation, alone time, time with friends, and most importantly time in prayer with God, I have strangely found so much calm in the last few weeks (which ironically has also been the busiest in terms of deadlines in a while. In the last week and a half, I’ve submitted 4 papers (short papers) and completed 4 presentations. Yet while I would have been incredibly exhausted, I feel focused and balanced. Meditating more consistently with Headspace has tremendously made an impact on my life. And having difficult conversations, where I actually dive into vulnerability with close friends I’ve known while has made me feel more seen and accepted for who I really am. Just as the above quotes on friendship have pointed out, I am truly so so so thankful for Chelsea, Betty, Gabi, and Etana for loving all I am. The insecure, difficult, and tough parts of me. I used to think that I let my walls down but I knew deep down I grappled a lot with shame from placing incredibly high expectations of perfectionism on myself and those around me. Coming into 2022, I was feeling a lot more tired and emotionally exhausted than I let on. But as February comes to an end, I am becoming more of a person I’ve always dreamed of being. A person who is filled with gratitude, grace, and groundedness. A person who is more forgiving of my own and others’ mistakes. A person who is allowing myself and accepting myself to be human. In fact, some journal entries from the latter half of January, have statements such as “I am proud of how much space I’ve created in my mind and let go of all the weight of my past” and “the person I’m becoming is one that is making peace with all my feelings.”
I’ve honestly never felt so much compassion and understanding for myself, ever. This Valentines Day is a significant reminder of how far I’ve come. I still can’t put down into writing all the transformation that has occurred and perhaps, delving too much deeper into this online isn’t the best approach but, truthfully I didn’t fully experience what love really is until a couple of years ago. It was always easy to hear ‘you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself,’ but I now know more of what that means. As I fall in love with myself (all parts), I am uncovering the extent and depth of different forms of love that are possible. I am understanding a new dimension of love and appreciation I have for my parents, my friends, my teachers, my network, and God. While I don’t feel ready to delve too much deeper into this online, I realized how much weight I was holding throughout my life. A mix of things I’ve been working through–whether that’s emotional trauma from various life events or relationships as well as my health recovery journey–with my counsellor since last year. It took a lot of time to acknowledge that I shouldn’t keep doing the work all by myself and it’s always okay to seek help. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. And it’s also a hard thing to talk about. But I have to be honest…because while exercise (running/ swimming), my faith, my support network of friends and family have all been integral pillars, professional support has also made unfathomable transformations. And that investment in myself has been the best investment I’ve made in my entire life. Courage is not the absence of fear but recognition of what is more important. And for me what is more important ever since I started blogging when I was thirteen, is that I write not just because it’s therapeutic but also I believe in the power of words to heal, to inspire, to soothe. Whoever you are who is reading this, I hope you feel seen somehow and feel emboldened to live life fully as you are. And to always know that as humans, we make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s more so that while we win some, and we lose some, we keep trying. Sometimes that means we don’t do it ourselves but we ask others. Sometimes it means that before we can even begin to love ourselves, those around us will love us until we see what it is they fell in love with and start the most important process of loving ourselves.
Often, we think that admitting our ‘weaknesses’ is weak but isn’t it interesting that I now find the people, who are the most courageous, are the ones who are brave enough to be vulnerable. In fact, I find them the most confident because they know who they are and accept it. They do not need to qualify their decisions or justify parts of them because they know they bring their whole selves to this world and so in their acceptance with such an undeniable fact, they no longer need no one else’s permission. It’s having such an intense and immense self-trust because they are clear with where they are and they communicate that to others and relinquish control by allowing others to decide. They are okay with the final outcome (whether others accept or reject their real selves) because they are okay with themselves.
This is me being okay, this is me being more than okay.
This is me falling in love.
This is me.
And to end, here’s a curated playlists for some feels :))
Recaps:
Trevor Noah show with Yixi at Madison Square Garden. Okay, I never laughed so much as I did in the span of those two hours than I have in the past two years. Trevor is that good! Also, checked off Madison Square Garden off the list! Next, will be hopefully watching the Knicks vs. Raptors ;) who will I be rooting for? That’s a secret I’ll never tell xoxo
Broadway lion king with Ana! Wow, the costumes are incredible. And watching the lion king again brought back so many childhood memories. I loved hearing ‘Hakuna Matata’ and ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight.’
Finally, checking out the 230 rooftop bar with Ana for bottomless brunch (let’s say, we got through almost two bottles for our mimosas and we were not prepared… the holidays sure did a number on us)
Cooking steak! Yes, haha my roomies and I received some surprise deliveries, where there was a bit of a mixup and so that meant having the lucky fortune of cooking triple AAA steak with some of the yummiest golden potatoes and veggie stirfry. I felt like I was eating like a King!
Oh, and how could I forget, my Red Taylor scarf arrived! Every time, I walk through the door with you, the air is coldddd…
I am such a fan of Casablanca and it’s one of my favourite movies. I got to check out the 80th-anniversary screening at AMC’s time squares theatre! Tears. Here’s to looking at you kid–
Running in the snow in Central Park for the first time. If you know me, I love running but I don’t usually run when its under 5C / 40 F. One day, it was relatively warm and there was still some snow on the ground. I felt like a boss with my dapper mint green runner jacket. Flying through the wind and the snow!
After a much-awaited comeback and an anticipated night of jazz for me, myself, and I! I got to see Dianne Reeves perform her ‘Let’s Fall in Love’ edition at Lincoln centre. I will be back to Jazz @ Lincoln or Dizzy’s asappp.
Skating at Wollman rink with Clara *finally! We made it, we did it! We ended up skating for an hour and I must have skated so passionately that I had a small blister form (tmi? tmi, okay.)
Brunch with Clara at bon matin in celebration of 3 years ago, when we both moved to Paris for half a year for exchange and met through our welcome group! Honorary photo in front of Shakespeare & Co (NYC edition, which I hope will be a tradition).
Becoming an honorary aunt to little Bria and meeting her for the first time (courtesy to Ana because let’s be honest Ana does all the work.)
Broadway Hadestown with Yixi! I have been waiting for so long to see Hadestown ever since I read the NYTimes review, finally, I saw it. And it did not disappoint. It lived up to the reviews. It lived up to the hype (and in all honesty, I can’t say that many things in life live up to the hype, sorry not sorry).
Skating with my awesome friends of New Aesthetes at Rockefeller plaza! What’s that you say? Cecilia fulfilling her hopeless romantic heart by skating in the romantic movie scenes that have traversed screens everywhere and across time? So iconic. And a bit basic but oh well!
Swan link NYC ballet x2 yes, ya girl got the 30 under 30 tickets and legit, I’m going to the ballet so many more times. BECAUSE IT WAS SPECTACULAR. I saw Pt 1 and Pt2. Tchaikovsky and beautiful ballet, what more could I ask for? My heart was at peace.
Other Things I’ve Discovered
Hubermann Lab podcasts! Highly recommend :)
That Madison Square Garden is not actually a garden. Every time I was at Madison Square Park, I was confused… like the Knick’s play here? Like under this park because it’s called a garden? Anyhow, excuse my ignorance, now I know!
Cream cheese with smoked salmon on a bagel (thank you to Katerina my roommate for teaching me a quick breakfast hack)
Things I Want to Do:
Exploring Brooklyn (botanical garden, museum, and prospect park)
Visit MOCA
Watch Dear Evan Hansen Broadway!
Hiking hopefully at Bear Mountain?
Go back to ballet class more regularly (switch it up between running/ swimming)
Catching up with 3 friends who are in the city but because we have all been so busy, we could not yet make it happen. March, may you be the month that brings us back together.
