I Hope You Dance
My Shapers Book Club family reading “The Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes for the month of February :-)
Have you ever opened a book and just smelled it? I used to do that. Quite a bit. That is, before masks. I love the smell of books and libraries. I think it’s because I grew up in them. I spent most of my time in libraries and libraries and books were my best friends. At a very young age, I fostered a habit, that my parents galvanized with me, that whenever I felt lonely or curious I could turn to my books. And indeed, books opened up whole new worlds that were so much more vivid and exciting than reality. At least in my opinion.
Right now, I’m reading a book in my bed after a beautiful day. I finally finished my US and Canadian taxes (which the US ones took longer than I expected). Today, was the day I called Cecilia’s day. A few days ago spring break ended but my break was spent mostly in the library finishing a big research deadline for a misinformation project I was a RA for. So after many days in the basement of Lehman library, I emerged and decided that Tuesdays, will be my day. A day filled with nothing. So I biked from Columbia to the Brooklyn Bridge on the Hudson River route with the Manhattan skyline and Citibike as my lovely company. I sat in the park leading to the Brooklyn Bridge for a solid half hour just closing my eyes and taking in the sounds of the city around me. People watching and basking my sunscreen slathered face (of course) in the sun that was sneakily peeking from the clouds. Ah, what a reminder of my times in Paris (pronounced pah-reeeeee!). I haven’t been back to Brookyln Bridge since that momentous day in 2017. When I, a freshly minted nineteen-year-old, stood on it wide-eyed in wonder. An August morning before the dense humidity hit and the sun just getting out of bed, I found myself basking in a golden glow of daylight as I took in the whole city and East River. That was the moment, my friends, when I fell hard. I fell hopelessly in love. So to be brief, walking across that Brooklyn Bridge almost five years later was a momentous occasion. I then proceeded to Pebbles Beach and would spend the next hour just listening to the waves and watching ferry boats pass by. The perfect backdrop to mothers and their children happily shrieking at the unpredictable splashing of waves. Hot cocoa in hand and joy emanating in my heart, I met three lovely groups of people asking for photos. My heart.
It’s month seven and I’ve learned a lot of things. Here are seven ;)
I do feel small when I stand beside the ocean (and other bodies of water).
I don’t think I’ve ever lost that sense of wonder (and that’s something I love about myself).
When I get the choice to set it out or dance, I do dance. I dance it out when the world around me seems to be made of sugar and is crumbling around me. I earnestly decide to stick out my tongue and try to taste its sweetness.
*This first one is actually three (sorry not sorry) but they are directly from one of my favourite childhood songs “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack. I truly try not to take any breath for granted and this essence of her song is something I so deeply feel. In fact, as I’ve learned things about myself this month, I’m seeing these moments of revelation as awe-inspiring. That is, I am in awe of my own quirks and am so touched by compliments that I now accept them instead of dismissing them. Thank you Christina for saying that I have a zest for life and joy for living because I do love that I epitomize many elements of a song that means so much to me.
I am believing with perfect earnestness that I don’t need permission to move within this open world. And this form of grounded happiness emanating outwards from my heart is no longer tempered by the fluctuations of daily life but instead comes from a rooted identity of self.
I am peeling back the layers of myself and allowing myself to feel bare and delicate in the presence of others who are holding me close in my moments of feeling ashamed and so so so vulnerable.
*On points two and three…This state of presence with the world around me and with who I am right now is hard to describe. But where particular words escape me, a metaphor will capture what I am feeling. There was a rock on top of me that I did not know existed. It was heavy and it pinned me immobile. I could not breathe but over time I adapted so that I thought my ragged breaths, were breaths. I thought the pain was necessary and that it completed me. The rock on me was a part of me and I could not let it go. And as life went on, the rock was so indecipherable that I no longer saw it. One day, however, the rock was lifted. And I couldn’t breathe. My vessels and my body that had been so long conformed to the indentation of the rock was screaming “oh, God help me.” This rock being removed from me was so incredibly painful that I yearned for it to come back. Come back, please. For the familiarity of heaviness and of pain to relieve me of something I knew not of: lightness. The duration of time after was hard. Of course, it gets worse before it gets better but it does get better. And so it did. Who knew that breath was meant to feel this way? Who knew that I was meant to feel this way, to live this way? How much air fills my lungs now? I didn’t know, you see. I didn’t know. And to come to that revelation is that millisecond moment when the rock is being lifted and before the pain comes rushing in. It’s that moment, you see the rock being carried off of you and something clicks. That perhaps, the rock wasn’t supposed to or meant to be there. You understand before the readjustment starts to hurt. And that understanding tucked in your subconscious, will one day drift back into your consciousness and remind you to never forget. To never forget the rock: who you were with it and who you were without it.
Discovering that forgiveness is not wanting those who have hurt me to have hurt in the first place. I am starting to recognize that those who may have hurt us are hurting and responding in ways as an expression of their own suffering. My heart breaks in pain because all I want to do is hold them and see them through that.
How much love exists in the world around me and is refracted within nature: from the squirrels’ inquisitive nods as I run past them in Central Park, the pigeons with their incessant songs near my apartment window during the dawn, and the unrelenting waves lapping the shore alongside the Hudson River where I walk. The world is enveloping me in a big hug.
I am giving myself what I always wanted. I no longer need to ask for others to accept me as me, to love me as me because every single day, when I wake up I am making that not so easy choice, but a choice regardless filled with responsibility, kindness, and agency that I choose to accept me as me. That I love me as me.
There is a momentous exploration of the world that surrounds me that is waiting but also there are the depths of the universe within me. I feel a sort of immense excitement that I have the rest of my life to be able to be on this journey with myself. Coming to terms with how big of a big perception shift this is in my worldview and daily life.
*On points six and seven…We often think about sharing our life with someone. I used to be so caught up in this idea of finding a best friend and life partner…and while that’s still important, I recognize how that came from a place of insecurity and validation seeking. For so long I wanted someone to accept me for me, to love me for me. But the biggest power comes from giving that to ourselves. Not needing permission to be loved by someone else. I accept me for me. I love me for me and that is more than enough. Relationships will come and go and people will inevitably let me down. I will let others down. I have let others down. And that’s okay. It’s so beautiful and romantic to think about spending our lives with someone. And I want that for myself too. But in the meantime, I also am enraptured by the wonder and the excitement I feel about myself! There is a constant me. It’s very exciting that I get to explore. Such a big contrast to where I was before, where I used to be weighed down with fear or anxiousness about this idea of myself for the rest of my life? I used to think “damn, that’s one arduous journey right there. I can’t even begin to imagine how another person can put up with me if I can’t even put up with myself!” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t have those feelings anymore, they’re just muted and not the most prevalent thing I think about. Because this journey is going to be one heck of a climb and it’s going to be so hard and I’m not always going to like who I am but the fact now, is that I’m excited regardless to try. To try and to keep trying to be the best version of myself and to continue loving myself.
Recaps:
Saying goodbye to my friend Sarah who is going to Israel for exchange! We had a lovely time at the Hungarian Pastry Cafe.
Having our first Shaper’s book club meeting, reading and discussing “the Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes. It was such a funny book that made me LOL in real life and I picked up on a deeper understanding of Greys!
Seeing Phantom of the Opera with Megan! It was so nice to re-watch this as I believe they re-interpret Broadways! I watched this as my first Broadway back in 2017 during my first trip to NYC :,) #nostalgia
Continuing my 7:30am running commitments alongside the Hudson River with my new friend Barry (a visiting physics scholar)!
Baring the strange and extreme weather patterns of NYC ( a big win and still ongoing battle atm). You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no. You’re up and you’re down. Okay I’ll stop.
Celebrating our friend Lynn’s birthday at the delicious Il Corallo on Prince Street in Soho. The pasta is SO GOOD! Some of the best I’ve ever tasted (might even reach the plates I’ve had in Florence, Italy). This is honestly saying a lot.
Running 11 miles with Barry from Columbia to Little Island and then back to Columbia. Wow. I have no words for myself. Like damn girl.
Trying out Thursday Kitchen with Christina H. in the LES. Geez, the food in the East Village is incredible. East side why are you so hard for me to get to.
Celebrating a surprise birthday brunch with Grace at Clinton Street Baking Company. The pancakes are heavenlyyy.
Getting a hydroponic grow kit for mint. Let’s see if I succeed with my fraction of SE window receiving 2 hours of sunlight.
Going to Ellen’s Stardust diner and watching Dear Evan Hansen with Barry. Okay, the people at the diner are so insanely talented. And Dear Evan Hansen was incredible. I’ve been meaning to go for so long and it did not disappoint. The scores of “Waving through a window,” “you will be found,” and “for forever,” are still ringing through my mind. FOR FOREVER THIS WAY.
Buying tulips, just cause. It’s supposed to be spring and it was for like a few days and then NY was like nope, let’s go back to winter.
Exploring Brooklyn with Clara (the museum and prospect park). So lovely! I saw a sort of Arc de Triomphe replica. Ah Paris how you haunt me. You are truly a moveable feast.
Biking to the Brooklyn Bridge and finally visiting Pebbles Beach!
More Central Park runs and Riverside Park walks. Literally life-giving.
Discovering BREADS BAKERY. Gosh, the granola cookies are so over-priced but are now my favourite. Try them!
Oh, going to the dentist! I love getting my teeth cleaned. A treat. (no, that was not sarcasm).
Seeing Kaiz, my RA from Shad (2014) after 8 years! What a reunion at Chelsea, Google. I also got to see Vivek, my fellow volunteer friend from Science Expo also (2014 days). How I love reunions in NYC.
Things I Want to Do:
Visit MOCA, seriously.
Also the Transport and Neue museums.
Eat at a Michelin star restaurant (okay I did eat at Rezdora, which was okay and relatively affordable but not like mind blowing, ya know?)
Continue to bike, swim, run, and dance more.
Check out more of Battery Park/ FiDi (tour the gold?)
P.S. Specials:
P.S. Specials
Having our 3 year reunion! We do one each year after our serendipitous encounters at the LSE Emerging Markets conference in London, UK (2019). After the conference, we made a trek out to Oxfordshire and had a magical Jane’s Austen time.
Speaking of reunions:
Reuniting with my Encounters with Canada friend Rebecca ! We met in 2013 !!! We saw each other again at UBC briefly in 2017. (First photo in Ottawa @ Encounters 2013 ; second photo in Cambridge, MA @ Harvard Law 2018). This month, I got to see her again after 4 years. We didn’t get a photo because we ended up catching over really good coffee at Bourke Street Bakery and good three hour conversation that we forgot. Next time, I’m going to visit LIC and we’re going to get a photo in front of the habour ;)
