Beginning Again
At the moment, I am writing this blog post outside on Hamilton Lawn in front of the golden fall foliage that perfectly frames the beautiful maroon brick apartments and Columbia buildings. Perhaps, somewhat distracted by the catchy refrain of ‘Message in a Bottle’ pumping through my earphones. Indeed, leaves are falling down like pieces into place. It’s not too hot or too cold. I’ve got my warm cup of water, my scarf, my beanie, and most importantly Red (Taylor’s version on repeat). In fact, to pay homage to Ms. Swift, my nails are painted red and as they dance across the keyboard, I can’t help but chuckle at how bold of a decision that was. But c’est la vie, I gotta live with it for the next few weeks ;) and am enjoying it for now. Because truly, I don’t even usually paint my nails but ya girl went all out and chose the fiercest colour. I do have to admit I went out and bought this nail polish specifically on Nov 12th in celebration of the relaunch of an incredible album. So every time, I slip my fingers out of my leather gloves, I remember what it means to take back to control; to not allow what happened to define you or to define your legacy. All thanks to Taylor, these lessons are clear!
Anyhow, I’m sure I’m going to embed some more Swiftie references throughout this piece but for this third month recap, I want to broach the topic of ‘beginning again.’ A few years ago, my whole life went on a standstill and it was a very big beginning for me on all accounts. Recrafting a whole new worldview, including what it means to live and what it means to chuck away a checklist of doing all the right things and instead, focusing on the process and the present moment: living not in search of expectation and living up to it but living in the state of authenticity and prioritizing growing as a person over any typical identifications of societal success. It hasn’t been easy. But I’ve literally been spending the last three months, thinking all about life and how things “break, burn, and end” (ie. the cycle of life, not necessarily my own life like I did morbidly in 2017) but on a recent day in November in Central Park, I watched myself begin again. I’m beginning again in almost every single way. Since October, I have been pushed outside of my comfort zone. I’ve moved cities and I’ve lived on my own. I’ve been independent much of my whole life. Those things have been challenging but they’ve never been particularly ‘uncomfortable’ to the point that I feel embarassed or doubt my abilities. I feel imposter syndrome within school / academia all the time. Going to grad school has heightened it but the embarassment sprouted to a new level during the mid and tail end of October. Somewhat of a spur in a moment kind of thing, I decided to after eight years go back to ballet classes. So that was embarassing. I was very much out of my element. A metaphor for how I was feeling in my Bayesian inference statistics class. At a tutorial, I had to ask the TA to backtrack numerous times and explain everything to me in painstakingly detail. While they have been so kind, I’m sure they were thinking what is she doing?! What is she thinking?! For a lack of a better word, I was stretched. I was perhaps struggling more than I would admit. I was telling myself that I wasn’t and that everything was okay. And indeed, I do think relatively for those few weeks in October, it could have been worse but I was struggling in the sense of feeling chaotic and in a frenzy. While, I was grounding myself via journaling, running, catching up with friends, and various other self-care practices, my mind couldn’t stop from pushing up against the inevitable question: what will I be doing a year from now? The sheer amount of uncertainty was troubling my true Type A personality self. How to let go?! I decided towards the end of October that I best reapply for PhDs in a year’s time.
At this point, I’m not sure who’s reading my musings but I always know future me will chuckle and reminisce with pure bliss so it’ll all be worth these seemingly pointless ramblings that turn out into golden memories down the line. Taking this moment to reflect is always crucial for me and during a time when paper deadlines are looming, I have been probably stuck too much in my head or more accurately, burrowing my mind into an endless scrolling of research or lines of code. The other day, I pushed myself a bit too hard when swimming. I barely stopped in between laps and went all out 30. I am feeling it terribly. Terribly I say! But this third month has just been me being a beginner again. What it’s like to feel so out of my element and embarassing myself? It feels alien because while I’ve never been the most funny, popular, attractive, smart, (+ other positive adjectives), I always prided myself in my ability to work hard and try to be kind. Those are things that do not help or benefit me so much when I’m sitting at the computer at 11pm on a Saturday night trying to debug R code or try to will my brain to understand the logic of what I’ve just constructed. Ah, what was the aim of this tangent? Well, it just goes to say that perhaps I finally am feeling outside of my comfort zone in certain areas that I haven’t often felt uncomfortable in. So yay to embarassing myself in front of a political science legend (who is also my advisor) and my classes (both stats and ballet) because that must mean I’m trying. That must mean that I’m growing or getting somewhere? I have solace from the fact that I am trying and that is all that matters (to me).
There was also a day during the third month when I had lots of things go wrong. That was a rough day and I won’t get into all the details… what I would say is that I was very close to death. I was probably a second from getting hit by a speeding truck who was supposed to stop at the light. I am grateful that I shoulder check in this busy city. To be fair, I was quite rushed to get to an eye procedure (which then got cancelled) so could I have been less stressed to be on time by being more patient, yes. So much on me. Nonetheless harrowing and perhaps, I didn’t really get the chance to process everything because the day would turn more disastorous and the month would fly by so quickly. Even as I write this, I still don’t know how September, October, and now almost November passed. I find that I wake up for Monday and then I blink and it’s Wednesday night. Bam it’s the weekend and then it’s over. Repeat. I do love routine because the consistency gives me a form of familiarity and control. The repetitive clock work of doing readings, research, and assignments has been feeling a lot more normal to me (not that I haven’t done this in undergrad but perhaps, just the intense feelings of inadequacy and fumbling in the dark have become more commonplace now that I just accept and laugh and chose to lose myself in the lovely fall foilage instead). It’s not easy in this fast paced city to remind ourselves that this life is meant to be cherished and to be appreciated. Life can happen at any time and I don’t want to be so caught up in it all that I forgot.
We all begin again as we restart or reset. We walk through the different seasons of our lives and we bring new parts of ourselves to bear on the next chapter. Sometimes it’s hard to let go and to say goodbye to people, places, moments, and parts of ourselves as we evolve. Sometimes it’s frustating that just when you get used to something, it’s quickly dissipated and moved on. But I realized something as of late, that there is nothing so wonderful as living in the now and appreciating the good of the moment before it passes because it will pass and once it does, there’s no way of getting it back completely. Perhaps, in memory but never the real thing. And most times, that will be good enough but isn’t it better to live without life passing you by? I’ve been caught in a timeless journey as of late. I no longer understand this concept of time as properly because things are moving by so fast with all the new things just thrown this way and that. I remind myself that I need to breathe and I need to stop. To constantly pinch myself that this is real, this is happening, and that this is life! I will be 25, 30, 50 one day I hope and the ‘right now,’ will be a long distance from me and so what can I really do about it but not let life sweep me away?
On another note, I made a new friend recently from France and we both reminisced about the differences between cultures. She said something so poignant that made so much sense. Living in America is about “to do,” *(ie. what’s the next thing I need to do, where’s the next meeting I need to head to?) While living in France is about “to be,” (ie. a state of essence). It’s a great reminder because I feel like time is slipping away and the fact that I feel it so deeply is something I never felt in France. I wanted to do a lot in France but I never felt pressured. I was very calm and okay with whatever I ended up happening or not. Here, I feel like I’m living in a checklist and it’s been a good reset, a good new beginning to stop and to relearn all the important things I’ve picked up in France. To take a deep breath, just breathe, and remind myself that THIS is life. That this living, the routine, and the humdrum is sacred.
Some photos of excursions and good times with new and old friends! Also after poaching an egg each morning for the past couple of years, I feel so satisfied in the morning when I get it right. The egg cooked to the perfection is a great start to a day :)
Recaps of this month:
lang lang concert with Vic (2x encores)
riding my bike alongside the hudson river (most beautiful thing i’ve done here in nyc)
ballet classes
swimming again (after an almost 2 year haitus)
two non credit writing workshops?
cooper’s beach (finally!) *I understand why this is rated as America’s #2 beach.
visiting the byrant skating rink with Maya (my role model and a much needed 4 year reunion)
eating too many dark chocolate caramels
walking in central park with my Swiftie roomie and getting Starbuck’s Tay’s version and then getting poured on by a brief thunderstorm
watching Serendipity with the roomies (rewatching too many times on my end)
catching up with Clara (the best parisian exploring buddy after 2 years?!)
Want to do:
skate at the rockerfeller centre
walk down fifth avenue as the christmas display’s open
go to the union square christmas market
re-enact the Sleepless in Seattle moment at the Empire State observatory
visit Little Island
go to Coney Island
eat some good Chinese food in Flushing
go to Met cloisters
walk through Williamsburg
visit Pebbles Beach, Brooklyn at sunset for the manhattan skyline
Governor’s Island!!!
