Giving Gratitude
Happy Thanksgiving :-) well, to those who are celebrating aka my fellow Canadians~ Chances are if you’re reading this, well I’m grateful for you! Today’s post is a gratitude blog tied in with my two-month recap blog on my time in New York. It doesn’t at all feel like mid October as the weather’s in the low 20’s still (for my American friends, that’s mid 70’s)? Add the intensity of all the things I’m back to doing after a year and a half of complete isolation, it’s making my perception of time very warped. I seriously still think it’s mid September somehow. I constantly need to do a double-take when I’m looking at the expiry dates on my yogurt. Wait, really? It’s already the second week of October, I did not know that.
Anyhow the loss of my sense of time aside, I am getting through grad school. Things are for the most part well. At least my perception of things are good and affirmative of my own resiliency. So that’s really good. The reality is a whole lot of work I need to pick up the slack on (I’m looking at you first-year calculus brain that still is hopefully in there somewhere and learning R). I feel like I’m fumbling in the dark. I see the moon casting it’s shadows and I can see the objects. My eyes have adjusted but there’s that hesitation and uncertainty. I’m pretty sure there’s no chair there but what if there is? What if I walk over there and fumble? And that my friends, is a perfect metaphor of Cecilia in grad school with heightened imposter syndrome. I know what are r squared values are but no one’s saying anything… am I getting it wrong? Okay so enough of that interesting mind vomit and on to a more clear reflection of the highs and lows of grad school tied into gratitude.
Where do I begin? This past month, I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped to. Perhaps, even on a micro-level during each day, some days I hit my checklist and others, I get a bit distracted. I’m working on giving myself a lot more grace and forgiveness; allowing myself to colour outside the lines and take off that belt and just breathe. So one thing I’ve been doing is just taking deep breaths of gratitude. In with the small things that make me smile and out with all the things I can’t control. Some recent moments that have made me smile include: the afternoon sunset casting its glow on my face as I weave myself through runners on the Central Park track southbound to the Kennedy reservoir. The green leaves turning golden. The small labradoodle maintaining eye contact for a millisecond. The wagging bushy tail of a grey squirrel as the squirrel elegantly prances away from me to the other side of the road. The upbound Hudson Line with windows and a spectacular view of the Hudson River. The point is that there have been some lows in this grad school journey. Perhaps, a part of me is rationalizing that it’s all good, it’s all great and trying to suppress how it has been hard at times. Just how tired I am physically sometimes after many hours of class. Just how confused I am in my Bayesian inference class (I will never really know because I don’t even know what I don’t know)! But the main point of all this is that what’s keeping me grounded are these small moments. Because they are so life-giving. When I just stop on my morning walk and see this incredible world around me going at full speed, I almost laugh to myself and ask is this real life? What are these stressors? If I can breathe, if I can walk, if I can lift my face to the sky and have the warm glow of the sun bask me in all its goodness, what more can I ask for? What more can I ask for if at this moment, I have all that I need?
So I am really grateful. The past two weeks, I’ve been able to just take a few steps back and try to peer at things from the bigger picture. Instead of having my big Type A nose pressed up to the looking glass and inspecting every strategy that I need to enact to get my life together, I need to CHILL! Period. What’s kept me going without hesitation, putting one foot in front of the other (literally and figuratively) are the people. The hope. When I go to sleep at night, I pray and I thank God for all the people He’s placed in my life who have so selflessly loved me and shown me who they really are through their character and how I am so damn grateful to be respected, served, and loved in that way. The other day, I was talking to my professor at UBC. The one who changed my life completely. And I started tearing up because she continued to lift me up. I have been feeling imposter syndrome most of my life (from a mixture of emotional trauma that I am also at the moment still working through), but especially in New York. I feel like this is the place where I’m supposed to be but that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly doubt myself. I told Anna that if I could do what she has done for me in my life then I would die happy because I was successful. To put it into words what she and others have done to consistently build me up past my insecurities is the reason why I’m here. No, I still don’t understand what I’m really doing in R but at least I have people who will see me through it. And even if they’re not here physically beside me, I know God is. The image that grounds me is how enveloping His presence is and how when I can’t take it anymore, I can just fall. I can freefall but I’ll be caught. I’ll be caught in His mercy, grace, and abounding love.
A lot has happened. And I did feel overwhelmed a month ago. One thing after another. Things moving so fast that you don’t even get a chance to fully process them (also @me in seminar classes). I wanted to do this and I wanted to do that. Some I did and others I did not. But through it all, there were periods of loneliness. I want to talk about that. Because isn’t it easy to portray things as nicer than they really are? It is and I’ve fallen in that trap before. But I’ve committed to talking about the highs and lows in hopes that it might help a reader, a friend, or a fellow stranger. The biggest thing I struggled with ever since moving to NYC is loneliness. It’s been talked about a lot. Before moving to NYC, I read it on blogs, reflections, videos, and from anecdotal evidence. It’s a feeling that seems ephemeral but is actually there nestled next to the heart. So much excitement and activities that I’m constantly doing. I’ve never waited around for people to go out and do things I want to. But knowing that many friendships and relationships are situational, it’s hard not to confront the realities that many of the people I’m meeting or will meet, will also quickly fade away (compounded by a city that has so much in flux). A year-long master’s is actually super short! It’s mid-October already! I’m more than 1/6th through. What? The point is that I’m still trying to find my way of balancing the complexities of friendships. I’m sentimental and I wear my heart on my sleeve. When people fade away even if they aren’t close, I still grieve their loss in my life. Seriously. And it’s exhausting and emotionally tolling. I hate to see people as a means to an end and I also fully believe any person is inherently valuable. By extension, they taught me something or their presence was meaningful in itself. So sometimes, I’m surrounded by people and I grapple with a foretelling of grief for something I haven’t even lost yet. I’m working on that and most times, I’ve gotten a great grip on it. Other times, not so much. I find that it comes from the fear of letting my heart fully experience and enjoy something…because it’s often waiting for the other shoe to drop. Especially, when in the past the happiest moments (or so I thought) would quickly be followed by the most humbling and nightmarish moments. I’m imperfect and that’s a balance I continue to work on. But I will say I get through it and I get through it with the conviction that I will be fine. It’ll all be fine. Each moment, person, and time has its place. And that’s just life and I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.
The ending above had a nice ring to it, eh? Haha, I also noticed that I’ve been saying eh a lot. The Canadian in me! Anyhow, let’s end on another note about some fun things I did and then, hopes or plans for the next month when I write this.
Fun Things
Visiting the MET again after four years :,) #memories
Discovering the limited edition Whole Food’s Cookie Butter and Apple Cake cookies (THE BEST COOKIES EVER)!
Tomorrow I’ll be watching Lang Lang at Carnegie Hall!!!
Watched an event with Derek Wang, pianist, put on by a fellow UBC alum… mindblown and felt how transcendent music can be for the soul
Bought tickets to see The Nutcracker for the Christmas season (five-year-old Cecilia is so happy because this was her dream when she watched the Barbie edition of the Nutcracker)
Running all day, every day at Central Park ( I can never get enough of you and literally, I want to take a photo every few yards)
Eating Columbia Dining food (I can see why they’re the top-ranked uni campus food in America; the red velvet cupcakes and shrimp tacos are to die for)
Alice in Wonderland tea Thanksgiving brunch with my fellow Canadian friend
Not feeling as much of an imposter in R (YAY)
Going on a hike to Arden Point with friends (not really a hike in the typical Vancouverite sense)
Finding out a combo for whole wheat waffles that are absolutely bananas in a good way! (Toast waffles, put yogurt on one and peanut butter on the other, top with sliced Granny Smiths, sprinkle with cinnamon and crushed pecans, and a drizzle of honey). Heavenly, you’re welcome~
My lovely friend Noubahar sending me a lovely pasta kit and making a mouth-watering salmon penne pasta (*hair flip cause I’m so boss and I can take the name Chef Wonderful, sorry Mr. Leary with all due respect!!)
Using Citibike to bike to places! I feel so cool!
Hopes
Catskills Hike to see the beautiful North England foliage
Visit Coopers Beach! And actually, see the Atlantic ocean in real life in front of me for the first time!
Go to Coney’s Island and play coney island
Check out Pebbles Beach
Governor’s Island!
Watch many broadways!
