Friendship Files
the extended friendsgiving version :-)
synopsis
Sometimes it’s not about asking why. Why would they love me? They just do. Recently, I’ve been learning how to accept love. I always knew trust was the most crucial aspect to any relationship or process in life. But true trust is trusting the people I’m in process with about ‘why’ we matter and this means that I need to let go and trust that they know what they’re doing. That their act of ‘choosing me’ is the right one.
I always thought the worst things about me would preclude me from being loved but perhaps it’s this clarity with which I know how flawed I am…becoming the very reason I am loved by those I don’t think I deserve. Maybe they see the darkness within me and yet hold my light too—providing me the ability to see the best of me.
Today, we’re here to think about a topic that is near and dear to my heart but I don’t believe is discussed enough in mainstream culture. That’s right, friendship. These ‘friendship files’ are my way of making sense of some of the most formative relationships of my life. I’ll be covering three major themes centered around these questions:
What is friendship?
Why does friendship matter? And when friendships fade away, why does it hurt so much? (ie. the case study of the friend breakup)
What have my friends taught me?
*Before we begin, here are some lovely faces of friends from this fall to add some visual appeal! I obviously couldn’t capture all my friendships in these photos so I won’t have all my amazing friends on here but these are some special moments of reconnecting with friends in NYC and in Vancouver as well as meeting new friends in NYC and Boston!
What is Friendship?
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.”
“Life is a two-part excavation: of the undiscovered outer world, and the unexamined within.”
“Fair friendship binds the whole celestial frame / For love in Heaven and Friendship are the same.”
“It is amazing how the death of someone you love exposes this lie you tell yourself, that there’ll always be time.”
Here are some quotes, I think of that illustrate different elements of friendship so well. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ‘friendship’ in various ways but one stands out to me: a state of lasting mutual affection with a ‘friend’ being one that is trusting and likable. Friendship is different for every one of us. What it means within the unique fabrics of our own lives. It fluctuates and it changes. Its meaning and its value may augment at different phases of our lives… Friendship is possibility and it is surprise.
During this ongoing pandemic, so many individuals and their could have and would have beens, have been lost. That profound hole of existence where their life used to illuminate is a catastrophic loss and these losses are still occurring. My parents and grandparents have lost various friends and acquaintances. Since 2020, I lost two dear friends who I sincerely look up to and who had their lives cut short due to unexpected circumstances. In ways, this mini-series begins with the recognition of loss and grief as a centripetal force in my life for remembrance and specifically, for what friendship has meant and uncovered for me. To my beautiful and very dearly missed friends, Mohammad Asadi Lari and Anitra Paris thank you for being examples of integrity and compassion. I miss you often—
You see, it’s easy for us to go days, months, and years without speaking to people that have come into our life for a season or for a reason. And perhaps, I use the term ‘friend’ a bit too loosely, but I sincerely see any individual who has taught me something about this life as a friend. It’s evermore devastating to be blunted by the rude awakening of life that there is never enough time to tell the ones we love, we love them. I’m young and I’ve been told I have so so so much time and I know that, I do. Yet that doesn’t stop me from trying as often as I can to remind the close nexus of people in my bubble that they are appreciated. Sometimes I retreat within myself when life gets so busy and I recognize I fail often and spectacularly at being a good friend. But I appreciate the true fragility of friendship because it’s what makes it special and valuable. As Beck succinctly captures in her Atlantic column about Friendship which concluded this past summer, “Practically everyone who studies friendship says this in some form or another: What makes friendship so fragile is also exactly what makes it so special. You have to continually opt-in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.”
And so I hope in this mini-series as we trek across different sources and thoughts that we share with one another a profound grace that we fail and that we lose touch and that’s more than okay. As many have found through the pandemic times we live in, there is a reckoning with friendships. We may have taken some time to process our friendships, grown deeper, fallen apart, and haphazardly reconnected. To all of it! The gift of grace whether you contextualize it within a religious or secular context, it is profound because it is not earned nor deserved.
I see grace as fundamental to friendship in that it fuels the forgiveness necessary to opt in and re-opt in again. I fall short often and I am grateful for the grace my friends show me. This profound grace that provides the possibility for connection and reconnection is as Beck describes “nothing short of miraculous.”
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Friends have become more important as the increasing ability to customize our lives takes hold. Perhaps as we move more and thus, begin to depend on the friends we make to fit into the roles of family or loved ones that we previously took as granted or as necessary in our little bubble.
Having friends becomes even more important in light of the harrowing trends. The percentage of Americans who respond that they do not have a single close friend on surveys has quadrupled since 1990 (from 3 to 12%) according to the Survey Center on American Life. One could infer from this that loneliness and social isolation which has been on the uptick and greatly exacerbated during the pandemic has brought more challenges to maintaining and starting friendships. Some doctors and scientists even see these trends as a growing or an arrived public health crisis: loneliness. It is with this social recognition that brings us to understanding the heightened importance of friendship.
2. Why Friendship Matters?
Science defines a quality relationship and in the case of friendship, which we are looking at today, this means it must contain a minimum of three things: 1) it’s stable longlasting bond; 2) it’s positive; and 3) it’s cooperative.
From a pretty logical standpoint, research shows how crucial friendships are as they improve quality of health and even life outcomes. Physically, social connections formed through friendships are linked to lower blood pressure, lower BMI, less inflammation, and reduced risk of diabetes across all age groups.
*Obviously, the big disclaimer is that these are supportive friendships that help one become better versions of themselves as opposed to toxic friendships that may end up having a greater toll on mental and physical health.
**Extra note: The uncertainty of a feelings of a friendship can be even worse. Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad discovered in 2003, when she had the inspired idea to monitor her subjects’ blood pressure while in the presence of friends who generated conflicted feelings. It went up—even more than it did when her subjects were in the presence of people with whom they had “aversive” relationships. Didn’t matter if the conversation was pleasant or not.
As some of you may already know, the famous longest-running human studies on happiness by the Harvard Study of Adult Development show that relationships are the number one key indicator of joy and happiness. The results of the study demonstrate that more than social class, genetics, IQ, fame, or fortune, the quality of human relationships correlated the strongest with happiness (that is, close friendships, familial connections, and marriages).
I’m not going to belabour the point, as there are a variety of articles on this. You can read more here. But ultimately why, does friendship matter? Well:
It’s good for you.
It makes life more fun.
It provides an outlet to new worldviews, ways of knowing, and finding meaning in life. When the going gets tough, a friend who is really there for you doesn’t necessarily make it less painful whatever it is you’re going through but it certainly makes it more bearable to know that someone cares enough to stick with you during your lows.
It alleviates the stress of being that ‘one’ person who is everything to your partner if you are in a long-term relationship. Placing all our expectations onto one person (our often hoped lifetime partner) isn’t necessarily the most healthy or sustainable thing.
More on Point 4, conventions often dictate that our partners are supposed to be No.1. But interestingly, I loved this piece in the Atlantic that poses a different question. What if our friends are our No.1? The piece follows the stories of different pairs of best friends who have come together and challenged the conventions of placing friendships as the center of their life. It seems the big reoccurring theme is that these friendships don’t come with the typical social scripts of what it means to be ‘married’ let’s say. The partnerships end up becoming custom-designed and foster creativity and imagination as well as agency.
So this all seems relatively robust but so what? Well, even beyond scientific studies perhaps it’s seen most clearly within our own lives and personal experiences. I’m sure there are people who are so crazy amazing that love you for who you are and that when you think of them, a whole big grin takes up your face and you can’t stop smiling sheepishly at the funny, goofy, and heartfelt moments with them. The endorphins! And the fun!
I know for certain that because of my friends, I have gotten to learn things I never would have imagined, to see things I never would have experienced, and to feel things I never thought possible. And so to me, friendship matters because I want to reciprocate all that love and friendship and be better. I want to be remembered simply. I want my legacy to be an ability to see people for who they are and love them authentically, truly, and purely as possible as I can.
Because “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives,” and who we spend it with is a reflection of our values (Annie Dillard). Yes, this is indeed the classic overused, you are the composite of the five people you spend most of your time with. But your friends are an extension of you in some ways. You are an extension of your friends. And that matters to your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Friends matter simply because they shape the confines of your worldviews and they redefine or strengthen your existing values.
To solidify this point further, let’s pretend we are in Cecilia’s typical essay and jump into a case study, yay!
The Case Study: The Friendship Breakup
As Beck substantiates, “the unhappy truth of the matter is that it is normal for friendships to fade, even under the best of circumstances. The real aberration is keeping them.” The Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst published a 2009 study that basically showed half of our social network is replaced over the course of seven years, a reality we both do and don’t really process.
The painful dissolution of a friendship is all I’ve ever known. Especially as I soon enter into my second quarter of life, I’ve never been romantically involved with another person. Well, there’s unrequited love. So there’s that! And then there’s also the best love of all that comes from God. But when it comes to a lifetime partner, your girl has not yet dived into the realm of existence: a whole new world indeed. But the point is that friendships outside of family are all I’ve ever known. I am so grateful for it. Truly. The case study is a great segue into the final part of this mini-series, which is what my friends have taught me about the world around me and within me. And perhaps, none better than the ‘friendship breakup.’ Yes. This hurts. According to some general commentary and brief pop culture discourse, this could be more painful than romantic breakups. You’ll have to tell me as I wouldn’t know. But I do believe this to be the case. Seriously. Sometimes your romantic relationships come and go, but oftentimes your friends don’t. Sorry friends, I am speaking only about some of your experiences!
The slow fade is painful. Especially for a person who used to be anxiously insecure about having people potentially turn me away. Given some early life experiences of bullying amongst other things that I won’t need to delve into now, I struggled with intense self-hatred and criticism. My first tendency when a friend didn’t text back for days or weeks would be that it was me. I must have done something so terrible that they cannot even talk to me. I revert to feeling that friendship is something I need to work at so hard because I’m secretly in fear that if I don’t, I'll have been banished from the memory of said friend. I recall vividly when a friend in ninth grade pranked me. We were debate partners and I was trying to get in touch but she hadn’t responded in a couple of days. I saw her at school and had waved but she didn’t wave back. And for the next 72 hours, I was wrought with stress. On the outside, no one could have ever known. This was the straight-A girl, who helped cook for her family, take care of her younger sister, and do like a bazillion at school and after-school extracurriculars. I gave off this aura that I was very busy and had no time for this kind of high school drama or small forms of social discomfort. But it ate at me. The smallest of things. I never thought I was enough. I felt like a fraud and an imposter that was on the verge of being found out. The ‘in’ was that I wasn’t worthy enough to be a friend and that soon enough, everyone else would find out and shun me if they knew how terrible or insecure I truly was.
It took a lot of courage, relying on the patience of friends who didn’t let go, and enduring the harder parts of counseling to recognize and tend to my inner child. And this summer, the most liberating thing was to be able to finally jump back into dating again after a four-year hiatus. It’s funny how going on 12 dates may have made me a better friend and prominently, love myself better to be able to be a better friend. All the guys were so incredibly funny, kind, intelligent, and all in all lovely. And in fact, it was in part because they were so kind and willing to give their devotion that I, who was still trying to figure things out, realized how much pressure I felt. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate feelings no matter how hard I tried. That was the biggest lesson I could learn for friendships and for eventual friendship breakups.
As Jennifer Lopez says in her 73 Questions with Vogue, “don’t force it!” If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Some things are not meant to be that hard. And if they are, maybe it’s not the right person or the right friend. And that’s okay.
Sometimes the best way to love someone is to cherish and appreciate the memories but to let them go. I realized that some of the more traumatic and painful events in my life made it so that I saw certain (seemingly small or so I have been told) gestures or moments by friends as inherently meaningful. Sometimes to the point, my oversharing of gratitude would suffocate my friends.
I realized that I derive some identity of self by conserving certain relationships that were long gone or one-sided. And this stemmed from my insecurity that I must have done something wrong and worked so incredibly hard to dispel the ultimate belief that I could never be worthy or serving of love or true acceptance. I see in retrospect much as Jeannette McCurdy reflects “so much of my life was about forcing or pushing things. Now I think things should feel natural.”
As Jame Clear illustrates in his weekly email newsletters (which I definitely recommend): “Do not confuse things that are hard with things that are valuable. Many things in life are hard. Just because you are giving a great effort does not mean you are working towards a great result. Make sure that mountain is worth climbing.” True as it is in work as it is in relationships.
I hold so many people with great reverence and find them just wonderfully natured and beautiful inside and out. But no matter how hard I tried, the friendship seemed like a lot of effort (and most times it had felt incredibly forced on my end as indeed, I am a trier and struggle with letting go). I realized later on that it was okay. To let go. I used to see the loss of the friendship as being so intimate and integrated with who I was because indeed, I saw many friends as definitive in my life. I tend to fall in love and fall in love hard. This came from recognizing my own self-worth and getting over such an embedded insecurity that I needed to do and to act in order to receive love. But now, we all need, receive, and deserve love regardless of what we produce or can do for others. Period. This is a liberation because I am now able to let go of friendships that meant so much to me and still do but can see ‘past as past.’ Just like shoes, we may grow out of certain relationships and yet the friend becomes an important treasured memory in our life regardless. 2521 a Netflix series does a great job of capturing this (see recommendations below at the end). Thus, to end on this note is that friendships do more than expand your worldviews and shape your thinking, they substantiate who you are and how see you this world by exposing your flaws and strengths for the worst and for the best.
It is with these newfound revelations that I end this three-part series at the part of my friendship reflections.
3. What My Friends Have Taught Me!
Oxford psychologists Michael Argyle and Monika Henderson wrote a seminal paper titled “The Rules of Friendship,” but the key takeaway is that “in the most stable friendships, people tend to stand up for each other in each other’s absence; trust and confide in each other; support each other emotionally; offer help if it’s required; try to make each other happy; and keep each other up-to-date on positive life developments.”
Well, we can just wrap it up there, don’t cha think? Seriously though, I am so grateful for the time that I have lived to be nurtured with kindness and empowerment from so many people that I obviously call my friends! Whether professional colleagues, mentors, professors, etcetera, many are also my friends. But I thought a quote I read recently was so beautiful, the individual in another Atlantic piece says this about his friend Philip: “Philip made me feel that my best self was my real self. I think that’s what happens when friendships succeed. The person is giving back to you the feelings you wish you could give to yourself. And seeing the person you wish to be in the world.”
How to keep friends and how to make friends? Things that keep a friendship strong: Intention and integrity. Committing to the process of friendship is crucial. And I see that to be able to hold the other person in enough reverence that you care for them but not to idolize or fetishize them (that is, the idea of them > actual them) so that you suffocate them with expectations and pressure is crucial. Other pieces, quality time.
Intentionality: It really starts with you. This could be said for anything really, not just friendship. You can make friends truly anywhere if both parties are up for it. If there are things in the place you live that you’re interested in, sign up! If not, create a community based around your interest. Create the space! Go out and try. Okay, I know I speak this as if it’s easy especially as an extrovert so I can’t truly understand everyone’s fears or experiences but putting in the action means putting yourself out there, which requires commitment, courage, and vulnerability. There are definitely ways to go about it if you’re more shy as well! I will need to get back to you on this in a more detailed way but I know for some of my more shy or introverted friends, they found online spaces to be quite nurturing. For instance, my little sister started her Etsy Shop to share her art and since then she has been able to connect with other creators in the space via Instagram. Yes, I know I often investigate the ills and harms of social media but I do note that many of my good friends have been made possible only because of online social platforms (esp. LinkedIn). Well, I could write a whole blog of how indebted I am to LinkedIn but you get the point.
Integrity: Well, this is the foundation isn’t it? Of anything that concerns people. Having people who stick to their word and are respectful: who make decisions that aren’t about being easy but about being right and about being kind.
Earlier, I talked about grace in life and most notably, in friendships. I think a friend from high school says it best “worry less about the individual tiny fluctuations within relationships and more about the quality of people you’re with: good equilibriums have a powerful gravity and tend to establish themselves”(Ava Huang). She also says something brilliant: “Be terrified of the exposure and intensity of intimacy but search for it everywhere. Hold close the moments of being ashamed, feeling delicate in front of someone you like a lot Love them for how gentle they are in response.” So here’s to finding friends and cherishing the friends that hold us so delicately and loves us in the ways we so need to be loved.
Okay, so we’ve talked about what’s great about friendship and how to nurture it. But what’s a no? Basically, I see it as: if friends encroach on your boundaries, it’s a clear no. There are no buts. If you express your boundaries and keep getting pushed back without conversations or understanding then there often comes a lot of resentment, frustrations, and bitterness down the road. I’ll end that short and sweet.
With friendships, I’ve discovered that celebrating small victories and little intimacies are what makes life fun, beautiful, and meaningful. For many friends, rituals are key to their sustenance. So monthly calls, weekly brunch catchups, going on runs together, and so on, you get the picture. Rituals are sacred because both parties look forward to it and sustain them. Mutual commitment and respect.
Now, I’m going to end this third part with gratitude (wow, what a surprise?!)
The two biggest things my friends have taught me and are some of the most cherished gifts I own:
Surprise revises us. My friends have helped me notice the peculiar and how the world shifts differently under our feet. They have made me curious and delighted to explore this world.
Loving yourself fully and expecting that same standard of love from others.
The other things friendships have taught me are about the nuances of who I am. My weaknesses:
How sometimes I am petty, a friend takes a week to respond and then so do I. Whereabouts the act of not answering becomes more of a burden and lesson to me. Because the average person checks their phone like hundreds of times a day. How can one post so much on social media but ‘not have time’ to respond to a quick text about scheduling?! (Yes, I know me and my schedule, see bullet 2 and 3). I totally get it though.
Some days, some weeks are just not good for texting. Definitely not expecting responses asap cause that would mean I feel or am entitled (ha but also, gotta admit my flaws). This is all in good fun though, sometimes it’s hard. I can’t ignore my irritation before I move on. If I can’t respond, I try to say that I will respond after I navigate ‘this period of time.’ No hard feelings but ;) still, plz don’t use ‘i’m just a bad texter’ as an excuse for erratic or nonexistent communication. It just hurts me, wounds me so terribly. My heart! My whole heart! Well, luckily my friends know me well now not to do that but still, I gotta understand the other side. And I do, especially because I’m good friends with some bad texters (hey, that’s what they call themselves)… but I wouldn’t say I love them for it. Just kidding. Can’t only have the good, gotta appreciate everything in context. Okay, I’m done here.
I also find it very hard to justify answering the phone or FT when it spontaneously rings. I like to be prepared. I like CONTROL. Also I’m hypocritical af because sometimes during holidays, I’ll spontaneously ring people up and expect them to pick up (or not, and then I go to voicemail). So yes, I have no words for myself here, really.
I like to block out time. Neurotically. When I’m busy, I’m busy. I’m 0 to a 100. When I’m having fun, I’m having fun. When I want to rest, I just want to rest. Even though I’m an extrovert, there are days when I’m like, please give me a day or a week where I don’t have to see anyone for a bit. Also, this is sort of or highly problematic as I know that’s when I’m on the brink of burnout. Sometimes this rigidity is peculiar and other times, downright frustrating. I have a hard time ‘giving.’ SORRY. Truly.
My strengths?
I try. Reconnecting with a friend in NYC that I used to volunteer with eight years ago in Vancouver (which so cool how reconnecting works), he said he appreciated how intentional and how much I tried to be in touch and that meant a lot. I’m a trier. That’s who I am. Sometimes I might mope when things don’t work out but then I wipe away the tears and try again. Work. Relationships. Life.
Kindness. One of the most touching things a friend said to me during our about half-year catchups was that the people I am so grateful and thankful for, are a reflection of who I am. The very best of my life was a refraction of me and my character. He said that I needed to give myself more benefit of the doubt and that it wasn’t just the friends in my life that were awesome but me. Because I craft time and space for them and me. So I am more than an extension of that friendship but the essence. Woah. Brb, crying.
If you've read this far, thank you. I won’t delve into the point further of how lucky I am for my wonderful friends. The most wonderful peopleee. I don’t think I have much more words left to be able to sustain your attention before you bounce but I will say that some different people in this past season of life, this fall, have taught me or reminded me of some very important things. I’ll end on three things they taught me.
Be bold and be vocal. Communicate about how I really feel clearly. Express my desires and my needs. Trust the other person to respond in a way that is respectful and understanding of your true needs. The anticipated response is scary and the anticipation is anxiety-inducing but the eventual response is a guide to knowing what type of person you’re dealing with. From Roxanne during my time with her in Montreal.
Celebrate the small victories and cherish the small intimacies. Rather than look forward to the grand gestures I used to, I cherish much more the small commitments and perhaps, seemingly mundane things that others do for me but I feel illustrate their true care and love. From Christina who cares for me in small ways. Thank you for asking when you’re at Trader Joe’s or a dessert shop if there’s anything you can grab for me. For sending me jobs, fellowships, and opportunities when I was going through the worst of the work-related burnout and actively searching for new things.
To forgive and not to necessarily forget. But to actually remember: to see the process of making mistakes as integral to growing and reflecting on the past as to see how far we’ve come. From Gabriela and from Eric, two friends I’ve known both for more than 14 and 17 years respectively who have seen me at my best and at my worst; and whose friendships have waxed and waned but ultimately grown stronger with time.
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epilogue dedication
I have a few friends I would like to thank from the get-go. To Gabriela Lopez, to Chelsea Walsh, to Christina Huang, to Betty Wang thank you for giving me the love I could not give to myself, especially throughout the pandemic. I can now see myself more clearly because of your love for me, which I don’t know what I did to deserve. To friends George Agoranos, Tsag Munkhbat, Clara Tan, Robert Adragna, Eric Kim, Noubahar Hasnain, Maike van Niekerk, and Nathan Keuhne for being there when I really needed you. And to the countless people who went above and beyond when they really didn’t need to, Anna Jurkevics, Mark Warren, Fred Cutler, Don Green, Chiara Superti, Samantha Bradshaw, and Yves Tiberghien (yes my amazing professors too, thank you). There are obviously friends’ names I could list on and on but they pop up in my blogs of the past year in NYC, notably Thandi Tshabalala, Wendy Lee, my NYC Shapers <3, my 180 small group (Christina, Helen, Sarah, Joey, Zuri, and others), my Columbia New Aesthetes club, my Columbia Christian fellowship, and my communities back home in Vancouver at UBC / greater Metro Van as well as in Toronto (Dr. George Elliott Clarke and Joy Fitzgibbon, true role models and friends).
4. Extras: Suggestions to Continue Delving Into for Friendship
Article: Why We Lose Friends via the Atlantic.
This article is also pretty cute, hey who wants to be my co-author best friend? This is an active inquiry!
Book: The Undoing Project by Michael Lewis. A true testament to my love for Daniel Kahneman and his work as well as his book (Thinking Fast and, Slow also 10/10). I love how honest this book is about the dynamics of a friendship. The heartbreaks, tensions, and euphoric highs.
Song(s): I’m only me when I’m with you – Taylor Swift (well, It’s Nice to Have a Friend and You’re on Your Own Kid also explore friendship themes quite nicely). Who else did you think I was going to recommend, haha! *also yes, the first one isn’t Taylor’s version yet but off her debut album, it’s so good. Always gets me.
Movie: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Yes, cheesy but I still love it.
Series: 2521 (Netflix). Then there’s the typical one, titled Friends (now I believe on HBO Max?)
For life: I recommend just doing a friend’s hiking/camping trip off the grid (or no phone, digital detox) and at night, roasting marshmallows under a sky full of stars. Or a spontaneous trip to Paris and walking aimlessly through Montmarte, le Marais, and tasting cheeses at vendors and nursing the food baby with the feet up on the fountains at le palais royale, le jardin luxembourg, ou le jardin tuileries. Oui, la vie est belle et bonne.
