Breathing Deep
Where has the time gone? I feel like I ask that to myself more than I ever do in NYC. Each day is saturated with lots of energy and abundant things to do. The fall frenzy of different travels and various deadlines to work through meant that I really needed to readjust and prioritize time to myself and rebalance. I need to remember to breathe in, breathe through. Breathe deep, breathe out.
I’m breathing now, in and out. And it’s a blessing there is no pain. The holidays is a milestone for me every year. It’s almost been six years from the fourth time I found myself in the hospital for an unexplainable medical situation. So every breath is remembrance. Every. Single. One.
Okay, you know what, this blog will be a bit fun and different! I mean they’re all fun but perhaps, putting a spin on it with sectioned-off moments instead may be an interesting format to experiment with. Speaking of fun, I’m celebrating small victories—a big cheers to me as a few weeks ago I finalized my Ph.D. applications. Strangely enough, I’m such a control freak that now that it’s out of my hands I feel more nervous energy peeping through (haha, I’m still learning). At the moment, I’m striving to manifest pride for myself because that was a lot. And it’s so crazy because it’s been something I’ve been working on for a while now. Like how is it December and it’s done? It took a whole big community and I’m so thankful for the kindest Ph.D. students and professors who all took their time to read over my applications and give me advice throughout it all xx
Well, let’s take it back to the depths of fall!
*p.s. some awesome moments are clearly missing but that’s for a reason because they’re coming up very soon in the next blog titled ‘the friendship files!’
10.17.22
At the moment, I’m on a train from NYC to Boston. The fall foliage is utterly gorgeous. It is making all my fall dreams come true. In true fashion, I’m working and writing on the train. And of course, listening to Taylor Swfit. Getting all the feels in. The reds, yellows, oranges, and green are tinting the plethora of trees and reflecting across bodies of water we are weaving through at 150+mph. It’s 4:31pm and the sky is casting its golden glow across the trees and trickling in like a fluttering light from the train windows. The blues are so vibrant that as we pass through different regions of New England, the light refracts vibrantly into my peripheral vision distracting me quite often from my task at hand. The splintering of light at such fast speeds is a surreal and soothing experience. Here I am, savouring fall at its peak.
I’ve just arrived at The Davis Square Inn after a dinner with Ha-Young. After a broth noodle thai soup and arriving at this inn and taking a warm shower, I feel so cozy. There’s a rocking chair and very eclectic furniture. There’s beautiful velvety curtains and a book shelf with various movies and books as well as different types of paintings on the wall. This time in Boston feels different. Things are nostalgic, historical, and antique but all in a very good way. A very cozy way. I’ve got my laptop up and running again and reviewing the deliberative democracy literature while sipping on some chamomile tea. The cat of the house has made its arc past me and the rain is thundering down. As quickly as it has poured, it is almost soothingly quiet. Not quiet though. The periodic clicking and clacking of my fingers on the keyboard and a very faint person talking in the other room interrupts the silence. The windows are reflective, but they also peer out into the dimly lit street. I see a glow on the pavement and now, an almost sparkling reflection of its wetness. The occasional car passing through with its bright headlights down the street disrupts me from my current thoughts. Midnight, you pick me up with no headlights can’t help but staccato my thoughts.
10.18.22
This morning I got to visit MIT and wow: it is beautiful. Settled nicely beside the Charles River, I was easily distracted during the campus tour. With some occasional winds, the leaves were falling down like pieces into place. And I could picture it after all these days, an envisioning of a life that could be and not could have been. I am slowly working my way back into dreaming of the possibilities. The afternoon was fun as I ran my way from Davis through Harvard Square to the Charles River and ultimately, did a 6-mile loop in the glorious sun and picture-perfect running weather. The sun was shining brilliantly and casting a sparkly glow on the waters. Everything felt so calm. Seeing the students at a fresh market farm set up in front of the science center on my way to the river was almost a form of meditation. This is the first fall that I am not back at school, and I feel an aching of longing. I feel as if I’m not pushing my mind to its potential and already, I feel all that I gained and learned is slipping away. But, you know what. The run was perfect. I felt so happy. The sun beating on my face with the perfect amount of wind to make sure I wasn’t overheated. Just perfect. I picked up some nicely discounted books at the used bookstore at Harvard square. Two great finds. Content I walked back to the Davis Inn and the golden glow of the sunset matched perfectly to the golden leaves falling down and adorning the cute cozy streets.
10.19.22
Today, was a day filled with the brim of grounding and gratitude. This morning I tuned into some work meetings and then took the T down to Tatte Café at Harvard to meet with Cat! Two years ago, we connected over LinkedIn as she had started her Ph.D. at Harvard. After almost two years of correspondence, we finally met in person for the first time. She was just as lovely, kind, and radiant in person. And funnily enough, without intending to, we were matching. Blue jeans, green sweaters, white sneakers, and black coats. After having hot cocoa, we had to get an iconic photo together in front of Harvard Yard. Of course! I ate some brunch at Harvest and then walked around Anthropologie before settling back at Tatte to get some work done on my SoPs. Not bad, I made some significant progress over the next few hours. I drank through many cups of hot water and people watched as I tried to coherently synthesize my reasonings behind pursuing a Ph.D. Watching the students was very therapeutic. Many were huddled over iPads taking notes, reading books, or typing away on their laptops. Others were deep in conversation over tarts, pies, or cups of tea or coffee. The conversation wasn’t overly loud and provided a somewhat good backdrop of ambient noise as I tried to wrap my brain around my experiences. Twas a day full of meetings with individuals at Harvard from Cat to Shapers. Now, I’m finishing up my cup of tea and a small dessert cup I snagged at Tatte (I had to despite my jeans saying the opposite). Back to the grind of working on this SoP… which I need to wrap up before the end of day tomorrow. Wish me luck.
10.25.22
I’m on the C local train going downtown. The woman has gold earrings and they glisten as she laughs at what the man beside her is saying. She has a smile that brings her mouth wide open and one that can’t help but crinkle the corner of her eyes. I wonder what has been said.
Tonight. I’m going to be saying a lot. After a phone call last night, I was deflated. And the best way I could process was write about it. By some stroke of luck, I submitted that still in raw format prose to the LES literary salon wordsmiths and it was accepted by the curator. So, I’m off to present it. This is going to be some of the most vulnerable things I will say out loud. All my fears, my worries, my greatest insecurities. But it’s very weird. I don’t feel scared at all. I’ve grown so much and I can’t help but smile too. My smile amping up the heat under my mask and no one can tell. It’s a secret for myself.
I’m not ready to share digitally what I ended up sharing in person but here’s two snippets from different places in the piece:
I used to imagine the worst things about myself quite often because the person that I trusted and loved the most in the world, reminded me not only because they thought them too but also, they thought it could change me. I thought it would change me too. I wanted to change. Perhaps, I felt deserving of it— that just witnessing the wretchedness of how painstakingly obvious it was to be this way was a problem. But as much as I want it to help me, to change me, it hurts me because I can’t.
The writer Wes Angelozzi says this about acceptance "Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered." I’ve struggled with loving others the way they are pretty much my whole life. It seems quite reflective of the internal battle that exists within me: who I am versus who I think I should be. But the past two years, things were changing. I no longer needed to pretend to be accepting because I was. In coming to terms with my weaknesses, I began to dismantle the need for control over who I was supposed to be and the expectations I wanted to fulfill.
I did something this night that little me thought I could never do. But I did it for that little girl who often cried herself to sleep. Getting up to share my writing and having a safe space to do so on my greatest fears and the worst parts of me felt like the final piece coming into place. I still can’t describe how I just did that. But I did and maybe will continue to. One of my favourite artists likes to say “when you write, you turn your lessons into legacies.” I’m still trying to figure out the legacy I’m crafting but I do know I want others to see their stories as valuable and worth telling. So I hope you know that your experiences and what has happened to you has amalgamated into the unique concoction of your life that only you can communication and have the telling power to share and unlock another’s ideas, potential, or spark.
11.16.22
Today, was a special day filled to the brim with happiness. After a year and a half, UBC graduates from the class of 2020 and 2021 were invited back for special graduation makeup ceremonies. And, well I got to see my favourite people: my awesome professors after a very long time. I feel incredibly lucky I was able to take time off work to go back to Van for the week to be able to share this memory and milestone with my family. Very nostalgic walking through campus in the depths of fall and to be able to cross the Chan Centre stage. In some ways, this ceremony meant a lot more to me than my Columbia graduation did (not that that one wasn’t awesome). I had some people including my mom ask me why it was so important for me to come back for this. And I thought about it but the answer was always clear. UBC taught me so much. Me being at UBC for four years was not easy. Especially, in the beginning it was the most painstakingly place to be. A constant reminder of all the health things I grew up going through and all that I was missing out on in terms of my newly established and then just as quickly demolished dreams in Toronto. But UBC transformed and molded me into who I am today much in part due to the kind staff, professors, and friends I made along the way. It obviously wasn’t the same with all my other friends who graduated but were in different faculties as the makeup ceremonies were only for each program. Nonetheless, I got to cherish the times with friends and family. This time being back home was also a lot more restful and relaxing as I didn’t have to wake up at 5am to work on EST. Cries. I don’t know how the members of the 5am club do it. But woah. Waking up that early is hard and I still count myself as a morning person (yes, the person who wakes up in the morning excited to seize the day, LOL!)
Things I Got to Do:
*keep in mind the photos for many of these will be peeping in the next blog but for now enjoy some snippets of the behind the scenes!
go to Boston ;)
co-host a Taylor Swift themed Midnight’s Party for the launch of Midnights
ride around on a surrey with Christina, Fion, and Thandi for Halloween at Governors Island (my top 3 spots in NYC)
do a spontaneous hiking trip to Beacon, NY with Christina and Ysabel
went to a fun U of Ottawa alum event about tech and democracy (haha I’m an imposter); saw Prof. Dubois which meant I was fangirling on the inside like crazy
interviewed for jobs *woot
attended the Responsible Tech innovation founders summit with Christina and got 3 free books: 1) Algorithms of Oppression 2) Get Together and 3) well I gotta get back to you on that one
go back home for graduation and celebrate sis’ 17th birthday
drive upstate, hike, and do a friendsgiving in the catskills with Christina, Fion, and Luke (fulfilled my dreams)
invited to attend a very cool science/technology international diplomacy event
UNICC’s holiday party/ international potluck (I made a dumpling platter)
got to meet my role model IRL Megan Roberts, Director of Policy Planning at the UN Foundation
eat at a korean pop up restaurant that has a michelin star (beside NONONO) with Christina and Fion
checking out the All Tech is Human ‘responsible tech mixer’ which speaking of is so crazy because I ran into Jennifer Chang who I connected with on Linkedin and writes her incredible blog jayemsee
going to a brookyln nets game for the first time at the barclays centre with Christina! (imo, this was a vdry chill vibe, though I miss the extra flashy show of the knicks at madison square from earlier this year haha)
checking out the dumbo christmas flea market with Clara!
tried double chicken please #7 (so good, the best G&T I’ve ever had?!, sorry Hendricks)
meeting up with vivek at ole and steen (a volunteering friend from Van and a fellow ubc alum)
going to the union square christmas market eating at le crocodile with christina + fion
walked up the closed fifth avenue streets with Megan and Lia yahhh, I realized how much I don’t like crowded spaces and tourists :(
watching Danil Trifonov perform at Carnegie Hall with Fion
